First Draft of "Looking for an Upgrade"

There’s always something newer. In 8^th grade, I traded in my first cell phone—a brown old Motorola flip-phone—for a shiny new Razr. A year later, I got a blue slider-phone with a full keyboard. Junior Year of high school, Mom bought us all iPhones, and I kept that for years. I thought I had something substantial, something that could change how I lived a little. I utilized every aspect of the phone: I used it to keep my schedule, to wake me up, to document important moments, and even to shop cheaply. Sitting on the toilet was no longer wasted time—l could be productive at any moment. I sunk into the iPhone as it sunk into me. Wasn’t it good? Everyone else was moving onto the iPhone 4s, but I was still content with my 4. I was proud of that. It wasn’t the newest, but it was still the best.

            In 8^th grade, I broke up with Rachel, my first girlfriend—my first kiss. I dated the preacher’s daughter, and we had fun. A little better than last time, I thought. I dated one of the hottest girls in school. It was new and fresh and exciting. A few months later I wanted someone more substantial. I dated an older girl. A little better than last time, I thought. I dated a band geek. Almost, I thought. Almost. Junior year of high school, I dated a Mexican girl, and we stayed together for years. I thought I had someone substantial now. She changed the way I saw the world and how I lived. We were together at every moment. We utilized every second together: we studied Spanish together, watched kids’ cartoons, debated the theology of prayer, made out on old country roads. I had no time to waste—her problems were mine to fix. I sunk into her as she sunk into me. Wasn’t it good? Everyone else was moving on new loves, another crush, but I was still content with her. I was proud of that. She wasn’t new, but she was still the best.

            Everyone at college had iPads. They were new and fun and exciting—so much more useful! I held on to my iPhone 4 for a while. The screen cracked around the edges. The battery life dwindled. The camera stopped working. It was falling apart. I couldn’t stand to see so many people with great new technology while I was barely able to communicate with my iPhone. I bought an iPad. I used it for homework; I watched movies while I biked; it changed the way I lived in its own small way. It was new and exciting.

            Every girl I saw at college was brilliant. They were different and new and exciting—so unique compared to the girls I knew in high school! They had goals and passions and strong opinions. They were strong. My sweetheart and I, we stayed together for a while. We stopped talking to each other. Our energies dwindled dealing with each other. I couldn’t see her as beautiful anymore. We were falling apart. I couldn’t stand to see so many young women full of life and energy and love while I could barely communicate with her. We broke up. She dropped out of college. Three months later, I gently kissed a PJCS major. She wanted to help others, save the world, change the way we lived. She was passionate. She was new and beautiful and exciting.

            I’m running out of money. Looking for the next best thing takes a toll after a while. I want to live with what I enjoy, not what society tells me I’ll enjoy more. This habit still aches on me.

            It’s been two years. I cannot keep looking for the next best thing. I want to live with who I enjoy and love, not she who society tells me I could enjoy or love more. The habit still aches on me.